Every Which Way
by tizzybit
Summary: Some things Dean remembers he wishes he didn't. He takes a holiday..sort of. Will he ever be happy being himself. And can he ever trust that side of himself to his brother? Destiel. Rated M for safety.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Please be gentle, this is my first ever SPN fic and will be a couple of chapters when i'm done. Thank to anyone who bothers to read this! Your awesome. (this is utterly not beta read, any errors are totally mine) **

It was the silence that bothered him. Not what most folks would have thought of as silence. But Dean had spent almost every single night of his small, screwed up existence falling asleep to the sound of Sammy's breathing. He could tell if that kid was asleep, dreaming or plain faking it. With his eyes closes, across a motel room. Even with the TV on.

But Sam was gone. Gone off to school. Dean was torn between feeling abandoned and damn proud. Sam had the guts he never had. But that had left him alone with their Dad. Hard enough most of the time but without Sam around the guy was freaking impossible. He had always known his Dad didn't exactly like him all that much but now he wasn't even trying to hide it. When a case came up he had jumped at the chance to go off on his own. Anything to get away from the way Dad kept looking through him.

He had driven along the dark highway, rain driving down, music blaring, trying to keep his thoughts from wandering. Like that was ever going to happen. His mind drifted, as it did when there was no one there to keep the mask in place for, off to a dusty motel car park.

He had been nearly twelve. Sam inside with his head stuck in a book. Seriously something wrong with that kid. They had been there for nearly two whole weeks. Kind of long time, for them. There had been another family across from their cabin. And Dean had made the closest thing he'd had to a friend in all the time he could remember. A boy named Josh. Quiet. Thoughtful. Called Dean out on his bullshit right away. Sweet smile. Hair that just went every which way. Dean had actually found himself making excuses to leave Sam and go see this boy. 'Going for milk Sammy, back in a bit' 'Whatever'. While he had been happy to go see his friend with Sammy happy enough to be left he couldn't help be a little pissed that his brother barley seemed to notice if he was there or not. Books were bad for your brain it seemed to Dean.

They had been sitting on the step. Shoulders touching. Just talking. Sure Dean had a mouth on him. Could talk up a storm. But he never really said anything. Now he had found himself talking. Talking about his Mom. Not the bad stuff. Just the normal stuff. The things you never notice till the ain't there anymore. He could never speak to Sam about her. He was too close. And while his father silently maintained she was the reason for everything he did, he never spoke about her. Ever.

So they had been talking. Well, he had been talking. Josh had been mostly listening. Looking at him with these bright blue eyes, head all cocked to one side like a curious puppy. Dean had turned his head and found him right there. Just looking at him. And the kid had been warm and smelled of home and family and a kind of safty Dean could not quite remember. Or pie. Smelling of pie was the same thing as all those other things to Dean. And his lips had been soft looking and before he had thought they had been kissing and those lips were as soft has they looked and Josh had sighed this little sigh and Dean had felt...happy? Stupid thing to let himself be.

He had forgotten. Forgotten who he was supposed to be, What he was meant to be doing. Forgotten that his Dad was on his way back. Lost in each other they hadn't noticed the other figure that had appeared. The wouldn't have noticed an earthquake. Not until this big hand had clamped down on Josh's collar and thrown him into the dirt. He hand and come back around. Connecting with Dean's face. He had felt his nose fountain blood down his shirt. But he hadn't felt the pain. Just oddly numb as he saw Josh scrabble and run back to his families cabin. Dean had felt curiously light, detached. The icy presence of his father a dark and looming sensation. He had known he had done something very, very wrong. The HE was wrong. He had to fix this, He would. He knew he would never see his friend again


	2. Chapter 2

It was still raining as Dean shrugged himself back to now. Coming into a decent sized town he focused more on driving. Skirting the place, aiming back to the interstate as soon as he could. He was not even half way to where he was going yet. Just out of town signs started popping up for some big hopsital. State mental facility. 'All roads lead to the nut house' he mused as he drove by the turn off.

It was easier than he would have thought. Not so sure what that said about him and less sure that he actually cared and this moment in time. The Impala safe and out of sight he had just walked in the door. He was in no doubt of the trouble he would be in when his dad found him. But he just needed a moment. Five minutes to himself. Apparently walking in, drenched and telling the not un hot nurse behind the front desk that he was looking for a bed for the night cause he was tiered and he needed a break from all the monster hunting...she did know about the monsters right? And don't even get him started on the gohsts...well that was all it took.

Pleasently warm. Swirly because of whatever the hell they'd given him. A room to himself. The low ache caused by his brothers abscense made temporarly more distant, he floated off to sleep.

The next morning was one of the least stressful he could remember. More pills left him feeling oddly muffled. Distant from everything. The Dr had been nice. Pretty. He started to flirt on reflex but couldn't much be bothered keeping it up. Half an hour and he had just talked. He had thought to fillt he time with some of the more whacked out hunts, give her something to chew on. She had nodded, made notes, asked about family. Dean felt himself slamm shut at that. 'They're gone. All you need to know.' staring out the window till she had sent him off for the day.

He headed for the common room, unwelcome thoughts starting to work through the haze. Like what was his dad going to say when he found out? Would he even care Dean was gone? Would he notice? Would he call Sam?

He felt his mind unspooling into an anxious mess as he slid into a chair, grey light g through the window. He attempted to loose himself in the tv. Dr Sexy was on.

A body thumped into the chair next to Dean's, muttering complaints about repeats and there never being anything on. Dean glanced up, not really in the mood for dealing with anyone. Blue. Blue was the first impression. Deep blue eyes in a pale face, framed by dark glasses. Dark hair, going every which way. A small, slightly nervous smile. A smile aimed at him. Dean open his mouth to speak. No sound came out.

'Your new, i'm Daniel'

'...hngmph...'

'...okaay..would you like me to go? It's cool if you just want to be on your own you know.'

Dean managed to shake his head. Took a deep breath. 'No, sorry, i'm Dean...you just..you remind me of someone I knew once.'

'Is that good or bad?'

Dean looked at him. Daniel looked straight back. Looking at him like he could really see. He could smell pie. He could feel the gohst of soft lips on his. He could taste blood.

'Both, I think it's both'


End file.
